I'm not quite sure what the point of this review is -- after all, if you're crazed enough to be stopping by a Star Wars website on a regular basis, you've already bought the damn DVD. What am I supposed to say?

Oh, yes. Fine purchase. Way to go.

Or perhaps the purpose of this review is to convince you to buy a DVD player if you don't already own one, which I heartily endorse. Spend the two hundred bucks and getcherself a DVD player today. Thanks.

[sound of writer exiting stage left]

... What's that, Toryn my sweet editor? You want more?

Dammit.

So anyway, this disc is one of the most heartbreaking collections of digital accoutrement available anywhere -- even more so than Romeo and Juliet, this will break your heart. And there are two reasons for that:

Reason Number One:

This DVD is perhaps the best that's ever been created for behind-the-scenes glimpses. A fantastic hour-long documentary, culled from over six hundred hours of footages, shows you what it was like to create The Phantom Menace from start to finish, from auditions to filming to postproduction. Furthermore, five mini-documentaries give you insights on to what George envisioned for the fights, the costumes, the visual look, and the music of TPM -- and how everyone at his command tried desperately to bring it to life. Web documentaries, pages and pages of 'em, go even further to show you the blood, sweat, and tears that drip off this final product -- so much so that you have to wipe off the body fluids with a Kleenex before your player can read the disc.

From the people in the John Williams chorus attempting to modulate their voices into one thrilling shout to the editors painstakingly cut-and-pasting a portion of Take 2 into a shot from Take 5, simply because George liked the way Ewan moved better in that one, the DVD shows how hundreds -- nay, thousands -- of people came together, bonded by that one ineffable Lucasian vision, to bring The Phantom Menace to light ...

... and boy, is it one mediocre movie.

It would be as if a studio spent millions of dollars on the Godfather 3, only to discover that it just wasn't that -- oh, wait.

Anyway, there is much ado on this disc about something ... but I'm not sure what it is. Now that the bloom is off the rose, we can see that Phantom Menace is the worst movie in the Star Wars trilogy -- technically speaking, it's better and more enjoyable than Return Of The Jedi, but ROTJ has the unfortunate advantage of providing an emotional climax to two much better films. TPM isn't bad, exactly... but like the Godfather 3, it's a perfectly decent movie that lays adrift in the path of two absolute stunners.

Fortunately, Phantom Menace is perfect for DVD, because you'll be skipping scenes like a tyke skips rope. Here, I'll even do it for you:

• Opening Credits (1) -- Naboo (5)
• Skip blithely past Jar Jar scenes, sigh in relief.
• Boss Nass (8) -- Running The Blockade (12), but fast-forward past any major JarJarage
• Skip to the Pod Race (20).
• Switch to Disc #2 and check out the deleted second lap of the Pod Race scene. Go back and watch the actual Pod Race sequence. Realize how much cooler the deleted stuff was -- you get to see Anakin as a competent pilot, fixing his ship on the fly as it twirls him like a cotton candy machine, skittering past other racers in an insane bid to catch up, and -- whoa, Sebulba has a flame-thrower? Holy crap!
• Watch the actual Pod Race sequence, and count how many times ships just zoom past the screen without doing anything interesting. Remember how bored you got in the theater watching this sequence, and how you always made this your bathroom break. Think about how you would have never left to bleed off that excess Mountain Dew if Sebulba had roasted someone like a marshmallow.
• Pause movie, call up a friend who likes Star Wars, and debate about whether Lucas has lost it totally.
• Place head in hands in despair, cry.
• With effort, haul self off couch and start up DVD again.
• Skip to The Senate Session (29) -- Hey, look, wookiees!
• Skip to Wipe Them Out (36). Fast-forward past any scenes containing Jar Jar, or anyone who looks like Jar Jar, or in fact anything that reminds you of Jar Jar.
• Get to Darth Maul Vs. Obi-Wan (44).
• Replay Darth Maul Vs. Obi-Wan (44).
• Replay Darth Maul Vs. Obi-Wan (44).
• Replay Darth Maul Vs. Obi-Wan, this time in slow motion.
• Put in Disc #2, watch the "Fights" mini-documentary, realize that yes, Ewan McGregor did that all on his own. Watch them do it with metal pipes, in slow motion.
• Put in Disc #1. Replay Darth Maul Vs. Obi-Wan (44).
• Skip Naboo Celebration (49), unless it is Lent, at which point you may watch it once and it counts as forty days of penitence.
• Watch End Credits (50).
• Replay Darth Maul Vs. Obi-Wan (44).

Reason Number Two:

Well, you'd sure think that this here is the be-all and end-all of discs -- $35 million spent on revamping deleted scenes! A zillion hours of documentary! Heck, even a hidden gag reel! What did they leave out?

But careful investigation of the "exclusive production photographs" will reveal photos from scenes that were shot but not used. And the documentaries make reference to other scenes that weren't used. In other words, despite the lavish treatment here, Lucas is still holding out on us.

You made a worthwhile purchase, if you don't mind rebuying this DVD -- as, lemminglike, you inevitably will -- for the extra forty minutes of extra-hidden footage that Lucas will spring on us for The Phantom Menace: The Really, Extra-Special, Nothing-Held-Back Edition!

And then, ten years later, when he suddenly decides that all along there was supposed to be a nine-film sequence like he originally intended, he'll haul out some more stuff for the Phantom Menace: Great Googly-Mooglies All-Sucker Edition. Trust me on this one.

As to the fact that George Lucas would never suddenly change his mind about the number of films: Star Wars fan press, thy name is Pravda.

So What's The Deal?

Despite the inevitable future rebuy, it's still worth your time. The scenes give a great portrait of Lucas as a director -- strong-willed, prone to take snide comments rather than dish out explicit criticism, not sure what he wants but unwilling to compromise for what he doesn't want -- and his maniacal vision truly is worth the DVD. When the day is done, I still found myself telling my wife about thirty or forty things that I hadn't known about The Phantom Menace beforehand ... and it allows you to see such sights as Ewan McGregor, giddy with glee at the thought of choosing his lightsaber, correcting a staff member on what color Darth Vader's lightsaber is.

Sometimes, you're just happy to find out the actors are almost as big a geek as you are.