"WING
COMMANDER" MOVIE REVIEW
It Ain't No Star Wars, Baby
Submitted by George
Hill
3/19/99
(NOTE: "Wing Commander" is a film loosely based on a computer game. "Wing Commander 4" included "Star Wars" actor Mark Hamill. "The Phantom Menace" trailer was scheduled to run in theaters with this film, but we have heard that Lucasfilm ordered the trailer pulled, refusing to allow it shown with "Wing Commander". We include this movie review for it's small relationship to "Star Wars", since we think our readers may be interested, and frankly because George wrote a great review.)
We still have to wait for good Science Fiction.
I went to see the movie "Wing Commander." I arrived 10 minutes late due to traffic issues. For those of you who know Salt Lake City, you know the traffic here is about as bad as anything George Lucas could dream up. This was a bad omen, and as I walked to the ticket booth, I muttered to myself "I got a bad feeling about this..." There was no one inside the booth so I proceeded inside. All of the employees were busy pushing popcorn from dust pans back into the popper bin. I ahemmed a few times and when I finally got some one's attention - they said "Oh, Wing Commander?" then chuckled... "Go right on in." I thought myself fortunate.
But I was wrong. Very wrong.
The woops of laughter echoed in my mind as I entered the theater proper. I found a great seat, with drinks and popcorn waiting for me...waiting for me to sit on. The Chair called to my pants like Emperor Palpatine ("You are now MINE!") and wouldn't let go. After a short saber duel and chair hopping, I was able to sit and enjoy. Well... at least sit.
The screen was filled with the image of a starship bridge... with a short ceiling that gave the sense of claustraphobia. And within a few seconds I was able to identify most of the actors there on the screen... The Devil Man from "TIME BANDITS" was playing an admiral - And Duke Leto Atraties (AKA DAS BOOT CAPTAIN) came all the way from "DUNE" to show up here. I could feel the "DAS BOOT" moment coming given the actor and the small set.
Shortly there after I recognized the snot nosed kid from "HACKERS" (the one who rubs his nipples at the idea of hacking into a "Gibbson" computer). Since these were main charicters, I was less than hopeful. Comforted by the fact that I didn't actually have to pay for this cinematic treat, I looked for good points. We'll get back to that in a moment.
The ACTUAL Wing Comander was some British Hottie Babe, who try as she might, couldn't give an order and was constantly reflecting about her "Suggestions" and the fact that dead pilots "never existed." This was rather disturbing behavior for a Commanding Officer. In the Military unit I was in, it would have won her an HE grenade as soon as it grew dark. She was cute - and as such I was trying to score her in the positive. Nope, couldn't do it. Seeing her sitting on a bed in a tank top with her breasts down by her navel reminded me of my grandmother - reminding me also of how much I like Lara Croft. With a digital edit, we could have had Lara Croft in this film...but Lara declined the part. I guess that's why they went with this Brit chick instead.
The HACKER-come-fighter pilot just plain needed a good solid New York Pimp Slap across the face. Nothing less would do. Well, maybe a 9MM cap to the head. And he almost gets it after killing his lover/wingman. The "I can act like an officer" Commander puts a gun to his face. I would have stood up to cheer, but was glued to the seat...literally. Dr. Pepper could be used as a construction-grade adhesive. Sadly she doesn't shoot.
The HERO DUDE is like an underdog, because he wears a cross under his shirt the size of a power tool. Come to think of it, I'd have shunned him too. He reminded me of "Ross" from "Friends". Ross would have actually have been a better casting, since he cut his teeth in the movie "Flight of the Intruder." I'm serious - he was in it. ("Ever Fly The 'B'?" Watch it again.) Hero Boy tries to pull a jedi-human navigation computer role. Let me just say it don't work. It was more effective picturing him getting dumped by "Rachel".
The rest of the cast was unknown British newcomers. I guess the producer was hoping the US audience would mistake the accent as actual acting. Since "Geo Knows Brits", I could easily see through that thin vail. And what I saw was a frightened old man waving me away "Pay no attention to that man behind this thin curtain of a plot!" Let's hope the cast stays unknown.
Cast aside, lets talk special effects. The Aliens were such a disappointment. In the video game, the Kilrathi (or how ever you call the big kitties) are a noble breed of spacefaring lions (one was wearing a sticker saying "We are NOT KIZINTI and we don't know who Larry Niven is!") who are bent on killing Earth. What they don't know is that if they asked, and payed Clinton a small donation, we would have GIVEN it to them!
The actual alien do up is slightly worse than the first PLANET OF THE APES, and reminded me of some old GODZILLIA scenes with a citizen of Tokyo saying a short blurb and a whole paragraph of subtitles appear, and the opposite - a whole Shakespeare of dialog condensed down to "No, we must flee!" What ever. I would have rather seen a WORF-like effort here. WalMart sells better costumes around All Hallows Eve.
The fighters - well, the whole reason I took this bad trip was a 5 second glance of a commercial showing a huge Gatling gun it the nose of a fighter... like an EVIL STARBLAZERS/A-10 WORT HOG combination. I am not sure just how they made these models and mock ups - they look like the cockpit from a F-104 Thunder Chief on top of an F-100 Super Saber fighter body, with the wings of a WWII P-51 Mustang - broken in half. So they stick out with these ACME CO MISSILES on top and bottom. I made better kits out of balsa wood when I was a young lad. Any kid with two different Testor Model kits could have done better. The space scenes were rendered in a way that made me wish I had rather stayed home and watched "Babylon 5" twice in a row (which when it come to TV sci-fi is hard to beat... they do some great work, and have better make up as well - Aliens really look alien).
The ONE good point of the whole movie was the effects of the large capitol ships getting blown up. THAT was well done. But I'd rather get my explosion-fix off NASH BRIDGES... or a game of DUKE NUKEM.
I noticed quite regularly people getting up and leaving the movie. I stayed only out of morbid curiosity. Like an official review of a young Army Officer that read "His men would follow him anywhere... but only out of morbid curiosity", I finally understood just how deep this comment really was. I was in a hell that could only end with the rolling credits.
Part of me was hoping for cut scenes and bloopers, like at the end of a Jacky Chan movie, which can be as entertaining as the movie... then I realized they didn't have any cut scenes taken out to save for the end! They actually tried to pull off a DAS BOOT scene complete with the ubiquitous DETROYER over head doing some random nuklear depth charging. I could only hope one hit. But instead we had the tense, sweaty look up at the bulkhead frightened thing... untill someone get the calzones to counter attack.
Then they swoop up and blow up the Evil Cat-Berts.
*Sigh*
The Aliens could have been more fun... Did I say that already? They do a ALIENS Colonial Marine routine with "ROSS" leading these marines INTO the alien ship to take it over or something. Here we have another GOOD POINT... the guns. The guns really looked good. Better than the Ruger Mini-14, a fiberglass shell from STARSHIP TROOPERS. In Wing Commander it was actually an AK variant that was dressed up rather nicely. Kudos to the PROP GUY - had the Director made the choice it would have been a "SUPERSOAKER 5000."
Lots of snarly muzzle flashes there for a minute - but not enough. Too little, too late.
I tried to find a feeling of fun in the actors, but I found none. I looks like NO ONE had fun making this movie, and in fact were embarrassed by being in this movie. That's why all the characters seemed to attempt suicide actions - so they could get out.
All in all, I would say skip this one. When it comes out on cassette - skip it again. When it goes off the "new release" shelf, and you have a bunch of drunk friends over, this is material for a Mystery Science Theater 3000. They say if you drink enough, even a Gamorean Woman will look attractive. If you drink to that point, maybe this movie will to.
Untill that point, I'm renting "BARB WIRE". At least THAT film LOOKS good without drinking. Eye candy with no content is like cotton candy - its all fluff.
Thankfully, a new STAR WARS film is coming out soon. I already have the day off from work. Now if I can just hold my breath for that long...
(George Hill, Jedi Knight. Age 29. Married to a lovely young dancer. 4 boys under the age of 6 And was only able to bestow one of them with a Star Wars name. Works in computers now after spending time in Military (Light Infantry), Law Enforcement and Fugitive Recovery. Has the day of the Episode One opening off from work. (Cause the Bosses wouldn't dare say no.)