Of Brawn
and Brains
or...What were they thinking?
Commentary by Jeff Carter
The Galactic Empire: a horrifying, tyrannical totalitarian regime composed of the most cunning military strategists, super-intelligent spy and information networks, efficient soldier-killing machines, and fearsome dark-side Sith warriors. The Empire inspires fear and terror in the hearts of rebellious star systems with awe-inspiring weapons of mass destruction like AT-AT’s, TIE fighters, and leviathan Super Star Destroyers. Hell, the Empire built a weapon that could destroy an entire planet with one mighty turbolaser blast!
Yes, the Empire is indeed a powerful organization of evil….however,
They’re also really, really, really stupid.
Case in point. You are an Imperial Stormtrooper. Your gleaming white armor and evil death-head’s helmet can panic into even the bravest warrior. You are one of the few, the proud, the elite, the…sub-moronic.
Does this sound familiar? " Door is locked, move on to the next one."
Ummm, excuse me? Move on to the next one? You’re looking for two droids possessing the schematics of the latest superweapon your extremely short-tempered employers spent billions and billions of government dollars—procured by raping and pillaging every star system in the universe—on? You run away from a simple locked door knowing full well if you don’t find the Death Star plans you won’t just get a simple FICA deduction in your Imperial paycheck, you’ll end up on the wrong end of a Dark Side lighting attack? I mean, come on, man. You’re standing there with five of your buddies, all of whom carry ass-kicking, state-of-the-art destructive technology; and a locked door stops you? If I were that stormtrooper captain, I’d order one of my Private Pyles to whip out one of those destructo rays and make like Duke-Nukem:
Me: "Private Pyle, front and center!"
Pyle: "Yes Sir?"
Me: "Private Pyle, this door is locked. It’s my guess that this is either a private residence with innocent people inside trying to enjoy some frothy blue milk and a womp-rat steak, or, it’s a hidey-hole for two droids with Death Star plans who think they are smarter than us. Either way, I don’t give a damn. I want you to whip out your Sub-atomic protoplasmic quad-action Ewok-broaster and blow the living crap out of that door. And while your at it, you other guys just might want to take out your Semi-automatic auto-modulating x-z80 Rancor blasters and blow away this whole puny spaceport until you find those robots!"
But alas, our poor Stormtrooper captain is too caught-up in simple politeness to actually do his job. Maybe this is why a snot-nosed kid can fire the shot heard round the world, and three dozen teddy bears can defeat a vastly superior army. Maybe it’s not just that they’re stupid; maybe they’re too darn nice! Let’s take a look at some of these Imperials shall we?
Admiral Piett? He’s not so bad! Piett is like that quiet guy in a bar that everyone nods to!
Moff Jerjerod? Hey, the guy was just trying to over see a construction crew! Why, he even wanted more laborers so his current ones wouldn’t be overworked, what a guy!
Death Star Troopers? Please. They have giant black salad bowls on their heads. So they sneer. A lot. Who can take them seriously?
Those two creepy dignitaries talking to the Emperor? Come on, they wouldn’t be so bad if you got them good and liquored up, I bet! Besides, Jake Lloyd could probably kick both their scrawny butts at the same time!
Captain Needa? This guy felt he had to apologize to Darth Vader for…nothing! Like it was his fault the Falcon suddenly vanished from all the Star Destroyer’s radar screens? He’s sensitive! And where did it get him?
Grand Moff Tarkin? Well, all right…he was a scumbag.
Imperial Royal Guardsmen? Fear us. We stand still and do nothing. Fear us anyway. Please.
In a nutshell, with the exception of Darth Vader and Palpatine, the Empire was composed of overly nice incompetents, sniveling yes-men, stiffs in cool outfits, and old guys. No wonder they got their heads handed to them. Next time someone gets some dark-side power and decides to build an Empire, I have some advice. Instead of looking for people with great manners, they should remember to hire guys who can actually shoot straight.
(Jeff Carter is ECHO STATION's resident Bounty Hunter/Interviewer, so if you have any professional association with any aspect of Star Wars, no matter how obscure, expect a call, card or Email soon!)