HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?
Commentary by The Ferrett
Prequel rumors haunt the 'Net, and one fan takes a stand.
Blood poured from Lucas’ brow as he stared at the paper. He had to get the words perfect. After all, hadn’t he created the number-one science fiction film of all time? Whatever he did next had to be better… or he risked alienating everyone. And so he turned to mythology to help him.
For the next twenty years he sat in his ranch, endlessly poring over classic stories, finding archetypes from history to come up with the perfect plot for his new movies. And after two decades of backbreaking work, he proudly presented his first scripts to his producers, spotted with blood. They looked at him with horror.
"George," they said carefully, "This is a word-for-word reproduction of Joseph Campbell’s ‘The Hero With A Thousand Faces’."
"Dammit," he said. "I knew I’d been reading him too much." And six weeks later, the real prequel scripts were finished.
Now, in less than eight months, the films we’ve been waiting for for two decades will be here. There are more prequel rumors on the ‘net than there are Monica Lewinsky jokes — admittedly the Clinton jokes are multiplying daily, but since the Prequel rumors have had more rabid fans we have more of them; in other words, it’s close, but no cigar.
And in that light it is our job here at ECHO STATION to sort through the rumors for you, giving you only the truest facts we know. So, for your edification and disinformation, here is The Latest On The Star Wars Prequels:
- The rumors that the Emperor is Keyser Soze are not true. He did, however, shoot J.R.
- The rumors that the prequels were to be the first films shot in Industrial Light & Magic’s revolutionary new 3D technology were, in fact, true, but plans had to be scrapped after a Star Destroyer poked a test audience member in the eye, blinding him. Later plans to go back and "three-Dee-ize" the less-pointy original Trilogy were also scrapped after it was discovered that no amount of technology could turn Carrie Fisher’s acting into a three-dimensional portrayal.
- In similar news, the prequels are pushing the boundaries of computer special effects so extensively that a frame-by-frame analysis of the prequels will show the the words "General Protection Fault" occur precisely every thirty-eight frames.
- Lovable droids C3P0 and R2D2 will show up in the films, but the shocking conclusion of Episode One will reveal that Threepio’s always been AC/DC, especially when it comes to Artoo’s sockets.
- It has long been debated why the Empire attempted to destroy the Ewoks on Endor with such malice. The truth will be shown in the prequels: During Anakin Skywalker’s climactic duel with Ben Kenobi in the lava pit, just before he falls into the lava and becomes Darth Vader, a full troop of Ewok Cheerleaders will leap out onto a flat rock, shouting "Kenobi! Kenobi! He’s our man! Can he do it? Ya knowbe can!" and singing the Yub-Yub song at the top of their stunted little lungs. This will distract Anakin, causing his fatal fall and inspiring a hatred of Ewoks forever. Those of us who have not been crippled thanks to Ewoks will have to find our own reasons to hate them, but fortunately this is not hard to do.
- Boba Fett will be shown in the prequels, causing shouts of joy from fans with room-temperature IQs everywhere. This time he will have much more screen time and you’ll all get bored with him.
- The prequels will be shown only in a select number of theaters. This is because Lucas only wants the films to be shown in places with the latest audio THX improvements. What is not widely known, however, is that after a national survey of theaters Lucas discovered that there was only one theater that lived up to his standards: the theater in his living room. The prequels will be shown there, but the line is expected to be longer than "Hands Across America" and admission will be fifty thousand dollars a head. Popcorn will be only seven hundred and fifty dollars, one thousand if you buy it with the special soda combo pack.
- The rumors that Samuel Jackson will be reprising all of his best lines from Pulp Fiction in the prequels ("Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?") are not true. George Lucas hated Pulp Fiction because it had no Ewoks in it. What is true, however, is that the number of times you have gotten this annoying pass-around email in your in-box shows how big a Star Wars geek you are. (My personal tally: Seven times, with one convulsed phone call waking me up in the middle of the night going, "You gotta read this!")
So that’s all the rumors we here could find. We hope that you appreciate the fact that we scoured the net for almost a half an hour to find these almost-certain lies for you, and you will show that appreciation by not wasting our time to tell us how kewl Boba Fett is and that you’ll never grow weary of his stupid, one-dimensional bounty hunter schtick. Thank you.
(We'd like to offer a piece of funny trivia about the Ferrett, but we're deathly afraid we'd be the next vicims of his cutting wit!)