WARNING: Contains spoilers for Episode II

Hey everybody, I know in last week's TINTCYLF, I promised you my review of Episode II. Well, by now you've probably read so many AOTC reviews, that nausea grips your innards whenever you see the words "IT'S ALL JAR JAR'S FAULT!" (more on that later).

But if you must know, I thought Episode II rocked, plain and simple. It is unarguably the most complex Star Wars film to date, just chock full of twists, conspiracies, and Machiavellian plotting. It's also got the single greatest jaw-dropping moment of the summer, (no, not Jimmy Smits looking goofy in a turtleneck). Four words: Yoda. Is. The. Man. That scene was absolute brilliance.

Episode II, more so than any other Star Wars film, raises myriad brain-busting questions. Who placed that order for the million-plus clone troopers? Was it Sidious? Count Dooku? Or was it actually a master named Sifo-Dyas? Is Darth Sidious an evil clone of Sifo-Dyas? Is Palpatine really Darth Sidious? How long does it take to build the Death Star? Does Palpatine start right away and the construction takes 20 years? Does anyone besides the droids ever find out about Anakin and Padme's wedding? How does Padme end up with Bail Organa? Does Padme die during childbirth or shortly after? How does Obi-Wan get Luke away from Anakin and Palpatine, and how the heck does he know about the Lars family? Why doesn't Owen recognize Theepio when he buys him 20 years later ... or does he? How does Yoda go from whirling, frenzied, maniac warrior, to swamp-dwelling hermit for 20 years?

Sadly, we'll all have to wait three years to unravel this mystery. And a mystery is exactly what this prequel trilogy is. Episodes 4-6 are pretty cut and dry ... scrappy rebellion vs. the invincible Empire; blond haired-hero vs. black-cloaked baddie. But Episodes I-III are just one giant puzzle, a space conundrum of epic proportions that ultimately stems from one truly horrifying statement: IT'S ALL JAR JAR'S FAULT!

So not only is Jar Jar an annoying, clumsy, hideously goofy CGI nightmare who offended countless minority groups with his broken speech and body language, but it turns out he unknowingly hands Palpatine everything he needs to make the galaxy a burnt out wasteland. Let's list Jar Jar's transgressions, shall we?

• Jar Jar is responsible for the deaths of the Jedi.
• Jar Jar is responsible or the creation of a vast war machine that crushes the galaxy in its mighty iron fist.
• Jar Jar destroys the universe.
• Jar Jar allowed Emeril to get his own NBC sitcom.

Okay, maybe he wasn't responsible or that last one, but America needs to blame that on someone, so why not that damned Gungan?

I apologize for the rambling nature of this column, but I have one thing I need to say to George if he's reading this ... George, love this Star Wars stuff, but sweet lord ... did we need an ENTIRE MOVIE to show us that Jar Jar was a weak-minded, bumbling moron who could be easily manipulated and used? Sheesh! This could have been established in two or three SCENES man! Oh, by the way, flannel's out dude. Ahem.

Like I always say, I could be wrong about this. Maybe Jar Jar isn't single-handedly responsible for Jimmy Smits getting blown up by the Death Star, and maybe that Emeril show wasn't so bad. (Hmm ... no, it was that bad.) At any rate, forget all you've read here because, after all ... This Is Not The Column You're Looking For.