An explanation? Okay.

First up, the scourge of late-night television, Jay Leno. It's bad enough that this talentless, third-rate stand-up comic got to where he is today because Hugh Grant couldn't keep his pants on, or by shamelessly ripping off every single piece of shtick (the far superior) David Letterman ever did. But it's just plain hideous what he did last week on the "Tonight Show."

Jay Leno has got to be one of, if not the worst, interviewer in history. 90% of his interviews are structured to make him look like witty and smart, while the guest ends up looking like an utter fool. He constantly interrupts responses, insults his guests, and tactlessly forces celebrities to answer painful personal questions.

After thoroughly harassing and humiliating an obviously uncomfortable Hayden Christensen for an entire segment, making him spout the famous He-Man catchphrase, "By the power of Greyskull!", Leno then proceeded to enrage millions of Star Wars fans around the Globe who were hoping to avoid a single spoiler about Episode II.

SPOILER WARNING ... SPOILER WARNING ... DO NOT READ THIS NEXT SECTION IF YOU DON'T WANT EPISODE II RUINED FOR YOU.

Leno brilliantly begins to ask Hayden about the merchandising, but before he can answer of course, Jay whips out the Anakin Skywalker figure. Harmless right? Wrong. Leno then proceeds to demonstrate the figure's "action features," one of which is lightsaber-swinging action. Okay, we're still cool here, nothing catastrophic, until ...

With a burst of childlike glee, Leno exclaims, "But what is this all about? This is my favorite feature! Watch!" He then slams the figure on his desk, causing the right arm of the figure to fall off. Leno half-heartedly says, "Oops ... I don't think I was supposed to reveal that." Yeah, no kidding genius. Nice work.

END SPOILER SECTION.

Next up, Connie Chung. [Sigh] ... where do I start with this mental giant? It amazes me that this bonehead is still considered one of America's top broadcast journalists. She consistently flubs stories, looks uncomfortable on camera, and she made the evening news with Dan Rather an unwatchable mess.

Last Tuesday, May 7, Connie hosted a CNN special, "Live at the Ranch," a Star Wars Episode II preview show that featured several clips from the movie, the obligatory video packages, and Connie interviewing George Lucas, Samuel L Jackson, Hayden Christensen, and Frank Oz live at Skywalker Ranch in Marin County, California.

First up, was her interview with George. Amazing. Mind-blowing. This one had to be seen to be believed. Chung repeatedly cut off Lucas as he attempted to answer her inane questions. She was obnoxious, overbearing, and tried to make herself look like she knew all the secrets and meanings behind the mythology of the Star Wars saga. Even my Father, who knows very little about Star Wars, was dumbfounded by Chung's stunning stupidity. "What the hell is she asking him? What kind of questions are these?" he said. For those of you who missed it, here's a condensed transcript of this brilliant interview:

CONNIE: So, George, tell us about this new entry into the Star Wars saga ... what's this I hear about Jedi Knights being able to psychically predict crimes before they happen?

GEORGE: Ummm..I believe you're talking about Steven Spielberg's new film Minority Rep --

CONNIE: Minorities! Yes! Let's discuss this issue Mr. Lucas. You've had minority groups upset with you for three years now ... What's going on there? [laughs hysterically]

GEORGE: Right umm, well Connie, I don't know why people got so upset with the Trade Federation and Jar Jar, he --

CONNIE: OOOH! Jar Jar Binks! Mesa am Jar Jar! Mesa liken you Mista Lucas! Mesa liken the Ranch! Mesa am good broadcast journalist!

GEORGE: {stares in disbelief]

CONNIE: So George, what's this about Yoda shooting a ray gun?

GEOGE: What?

CONNIE: Thank you so much for letting us visit the ranch, it really is a gorgeous place. Now let's check out some more footage from Star Wars Episode II: Goldmember!

GEORGE: Dear Lord ...

Okay, so it wasn't exactly like that, but pretty damn close. The rest of the special was filled with groan-inducing video packages about fandom, the lineups, and the Star Wars celebration in Indianapolis. I was squirming in my chair for the rest of the interviews, and by the time she got to Frank Oz, I had to leave the house for Kahunaville and get some alcohol into my system before I hired Zam Wessel to take her out.

Well, hey, I could be wrong about Leno and Chung. Maybe they aren't complete morons. That's just my humble opinion and after all ... This is Not the Column You're Looking For.

Next week ... my review of Episode II!