Art & Colors: Jordi Ensign

Again, hello. For over 800 years have I given counsel to those with questions. Write me they do, yes, hmm. Problems you have, help you I can. Confusion - heh. Dilemmas - heh. You are HELPLESS!

Dear Yoda,
Where can I get one of those cool black Jedi outfits?
THE STARKILLER KID

Dear Fashion Nightmare,
Bother me not with these ridiculous questions. Study in the Force must I, not waste time on the cloth of your outfit. Hmmmmm. Heh heh heh heh. Buy MY clothes, I do, at the Jedi "Tall and Short Shops." A motto they have: "Size matters NOT."

Dear Yoda,
I've been driving my father's landspeeder for three years now, but I can only take it out with his supervision. How can I get him to let me have it for dates?
LONELY GUY

Dear Doomed,
Help you I can. A case you must build - your father, you must tell: You are wreckless. Then drive you will! Heh heh heh heh heh.

Dear Yoda,
Like you, I live in a swampy, snake infested area. Things are pretty dull here. What do you do for fun?
STUCK IN THE MUD (GOOD OL' LOUISIANA)

Dear MudHead,
Oohhhh! Many are the things to do in the marsh. Read "Swamp Thing" do I. The comic book, yes, not that crude matter on TV. Hmmm... although Heather Locklear... yes, hmmm. That one.. a long time have I watched. TJ Hooker - Oo-ah hoo hoo hoo!

Dear Yoda,
How come my cat gets weird sometimes and starts cruising all around the house and attacking stuff that isn't there? Is he force sensitive, and if so, how do I get him to stand on one paw with me balanced on his back legs, or raise out the important papers he slam-dunked into the toilet, or to hold a lightsaber properly?
FRUSTRATED FELINE

Dear FleaDip,
Cats - bah! Hear you nothing that I say? Cats cannot hold lightsabers. A cat has no fingers!

Test your cat, you can, for feelings of the Force. Place him into the microwave you must. Assist him not; for if you open that door, help him you could -- but you would destroy all for which I have fought and suffered. If the Force he can sense, his escape will he arrange. Otherwise... matters will be worse. Spray Fantastic should you buy.. and a spatula.

Dear Yoda,
I have a friend with a problem. To keep his identity secret, I'll nickname him "Luke." I think he's being abused by his father, who I'll call, uh, "Vader." "Luke" ran away as a child and later when he tried to confront "Vader," they got into a fight and "Luke's" hand got cut off! Is this child abuse? Who should I contact? Please help me Jedi Master!
CONCERNED NEIGHBOR

Dear Pinocchio,
A long nose, have you! Your own business should you mind, yes, hmm. Unless a video recorder you have.

Footage could you get. Make sales you could, to "Hard Copy" and "Current Affair." All your life have you looked away - now into the viewfinder must you look! A percentage, too, for the Jedi Master as well, hmmm? Powerful TV is "Current Affair!" Hmmmm! Powerful TV. Hmmm.

Dear Yoda,
Master, I've lost my bearings. I need training and enlightenment. I need someone to guide me down the path to the true nature of the Force. Can you show me the way?
HOPELESSLY LOST

Dear Without a Paddle,
Nothing more will I teach. Bore me, you do. Retirement I need. Yes. Rest. The Golden Years are upon me, and soon will I kvetch. To Miami Beach will I move. For that is the way of old things... the way of the Force.

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. For the Jedi Master, it is time for medication as well. If more training you need, then today's new Master must you find. Elmo. You must tickle Elmo. Now away put your questions.

[Ed. note: Due to the sudden retirement of Master Yoda, next issue we'll feature a brand new advise columnist. Be here to check it out!]